Dating is the game that everyone hates to love.
It consists of multiple horrible dates until you find “the one.” Sounds like a fun game, right? Think again. The horrible dates you have to go on before you find your special someone can be scarring. Dating through college is even worse, because there is a chance you might see them on campus again. Awkward! But none the less, you must weed through the bad guys on campus to find the good ones. We decided to give you a little heads up on the seven different guys every girl will come across when entering into the tricky game of dating on Hawk Hill.
The Villanova Kid
You’re standing outside your apartment expecting a Volkswagon Jetta with your date, Liam to pull up, but you get a message saying he ordered you an Uber. You’re slightly annoyed but brush it off when you see the restaurant you’re going to in Bryn Mawr, a swanky place called Sola. You’re waiting at the table, getting impatient considering he’s 20 minutes later than he said he’d be. He bursts inside and explains that the Nova basketball game went into overtime and he simply couldn’t leave. You start accepting his “apology” when he interrupts, “We won again. You go to St. Joe’s right?” He orders a mug of Stella and proceeds to recount every detail of the game to you with extreme precision and enthusiasm.
Drinks come, and he won’t stop talking about the fact that Nova always beats St. Joe’s. Liam orders the steak, of course, to try to assert his masculinity in front of you. You order one too, because you figure it’s probably being put on his mom’s credit card anyway. He doesn’t ask you one thing about yourself and ends the date early because he has to go to a party his frat is throwing to celebrate Nova’s win. He told you the name of his frat, but you can’t remember it; it sounded something like Villa-no-fun? He regrets to inform you that you can’t attend because “you go to St. Joe’s. Duh!”
Liam wastes no time running to his car and leaving you waiting for the Uber that you had to order, because he had to get to the party as fast as he could. You know you shouldn’t have agreed to go out with a Wildcat.
The Snobby Kid
Kevin seemed like a very normal and nice guy, but you immediately realize how wrong you were when he picks you up in his black Audi, which he refers to as his “baby” throughout the entire drive to the restaurant. Kevin insists that you go to Jake and Cooper’s Wine Bar in Manayunk, because who doesn’t love a $30 duck?
You get to the restaurant and Kevin uses valet, but doesn’t even tip the valets. He says to you, “they are not even worth tipping.” That is when you know you need to leave, but you give Kevin the benefit of the doubt and stay. When they seat you, Kevin cannot help but make a snide remark about the table and the location, even though it is in the center of the room.
When the waiter comes to take your orders, Kevin chimes in immediately and orders your drink for you, assuming that you like red wine, even though you dont. You trudge on, like the warrior you are. Kevin chimes in again and orders your meal for you, because he thinks you dont know how to read a menu and distinguish between what you would like and not like.
Throughout the night, Kevin cannot stop talking about himself. From all the cars he owns, to all the different places his family has property, he has very little time to ask you about yourself. When the check comes, he insists on paying and ostentatiously takes out his dad’s black Amex to pay for the meal, leaving only a 10 percent tip. He drops you off at your apartment and leans in for a goodnight kiss, but you run off and put as much distance between you and Kevin as possible, because he ego was getting too big for the both of you to comfortably sit in his black Audi.
The Athlete
You were bound to come across a jock like Luke at some point in your dating life and were not surprised that the first date was to a 76ers game. You were excited when you first heard the plans, too. Luke picked you up in his Ford Truck, very excited for the events of the night.
When you get to the stadium, not only does Luke park about a 30 minute walk away, but the seats are so far away from court, you can barely see the players. About 10 minutes into the game, Luke asks you to go get food for you both, because god forbid he misses any second of the game. Not to mention he doesn’t even give you money for the food. Who says chivalry is dead?
Throughout the game, you try to make conversation. You are on a date to get to know Luke, so you thought it would be a good idea to learn a little bit more about him besides the fact that he loves basketball and the 76ers. Luke brushes you off after every question you ask, because he is too involved in the game. How can he even follow along with the game when you are so far away? From yelling and chanting to high fiving the neighboring people also sitting in the nosebleed seats, it is like you don’t even exist.
Once the game is over, Luke can’t help but to describe every single play that happened, as if you weren’t there the entire game. It continues during the car ride home and you have no choice but to sit there and listen to his incessant talking about nothing you care about. You are finally home and can’t get out of his car fast enough. Needless to say, that was your first and last date with the athlete.
The Catfish From Tinder
You didn’t want to go on this date in the first place, but your friends wouldn’t let you back out or sit on your couch for the 5th Friday in a row. Nick, or at least that is what he says his name is on Tinder, looks like the most gorgeous guy you have ever seen, so it couldn’t be that bad, right?
You both agree to meet at a restaurant in center city called Continental Midtown. You have been there before, so you know it has good food and is a chill place to hang out. Nick said to arrive around 8 p.m., but you get there around 7:45 so you have the upper hand and can easily spot him when he walks in. Around 8 p.m., an unusual looking guy walks in wearing a tan trench coat and black scarf. The people you see in center city, am I right? All of a sudden, he starts walking straight towards you as if he knows who you are. The next thing you know he is introducing himself as Nick, the hot guy you connected with on Tinder and it dawns on you that you just got catfished.
Do you stay? Do you run out of the restaurant? The only thing you know for sure is that you are going to kill your friends when you get home. Reluctantly, you make yourself stay for the date for as long as possible. You bolt to the “bathroom” when Nick cannot seem to stop talking about his love for fire and all the different things he likes to set on fire. You promise yourself to NEVER go on a Tinder date again.
The Pot Head
The date was going to be very laid back, as Chase described it. You met him at a house party in Manayunk one night in November. You and your friends spent the whole night talking to him about everything from school, to food, to his philosophical outlook on relationships. He was very interesting to you being that he was the life of the party, that kid offering his juul to everyone in attendance (including you, but you kindly declined). You assumed that was just something he did at parties. Boy, were you wrong…
At the end of the party that night he asked you if you wanted to come hang out with him at his place the following weekend. Just something totally chill, he said. He thought dates were overrated. You took it as some cool, rebellious, hipster viewpoint. You thought this guy could be different.
Since you don’t have your car on campus, he agrees to come pick you up and drive you back to his place. You’re expecting maybe a home-cooked dinner or a movie. The suspense is exciting. You wear jeans and a white cowl neck sweater with brown booties, your idea of a casual look.
30 minutes after he said he would pick you up, he shoots you a text saying he’s outside. You walk out the front door of your apartment to find him waiting in his beat-up silver Subaru Outback. There’s a huge puff of smoke coming from the driver’s side window. You get in – he doesn’t even get out of the car – and the first thing he asks you is if you would like some of his blunt. Now uncomfortable, you kindly reject. He is wearing black sweatpants, a rasta-colored drug rug and a strange hat that resembles a beret worn sideways. You wonder if he even combed his hair. You suddenly feel very overdressed for this date…
You get to his off-campus apartment – some place you’ve never heard of – and the entire place reeks of pot. The room is dark, the coach barely stands upright and the only decorations are a rasta flag and Bob Marley poster. He immediately goes to the kitchen, grabs a bag of chips, and inhales them. You kindly reject, once again, when he offers you one.
He spends the rest of the “date” – if you can call it that – double-fisting snacks and his blunt. You swear he asked you if you wanted him to roll you one every five minutes, in between his euphoric rambling about the meaning of life. By hour two, you finally realize he only invited you here to be a smoking buddy for the night.
By some chance of luck, he falls asleep on you in the middle of your “conversation” in which he makes revelation that makes absolutely no sense while you simply respond with a nod and an uncomfortable smile. You call Public Safety immediately for an escort and you sneak out while he snores, cuddling his bag of Lays chips.
The Invested Alumni
You met Joe at a St. Joe’s basketball game. You assumed he was a nice guy because he asked you all about yourself at the game, wondering what your major was, where you lived on campus, how you were liking SJU. He seemed fully invested in you; what a keeper. He gave you his number and said his name was Joe. How ironic.
Joe texted you the next day to see if you wanted to get drinks at Landmark. You thought to yourself how there were so many restaurants better than Landmark, but it is close to campus, so it worked. You decided to meet there at 6 p.m. You walked through campus to get there and met him out front. Joe was wearing jeans, a St. Joe’s polo and a Hawks hat. You sit at the bar and right when you sit down, before you can even order your drink, Joe talks about how often he goes here for trivia night and their happy hour. You tell him how you have never gone, and he proceeds to talk down to you saying how you aren’t involved enough at St. Joe’s if you have never gone to Landmark trivia. Joe dives into a discussion on how he was part of some SJU Bro’s frat and how he was a hawk host. He asks if I want to hear his Hawk Host speech that he still knows perfectly. You want to politely say no, but alas, he grabs your hand and says it would be better if they actually take the tour.
One Hour later you have taken your second Hawk Host tour ever with your Joe. He told you the hidden secrets of the Barb bell tower that you already knew from your first tour. Joe tells you which academic buildings host certain classes like you don’t already go to St. Joes. After the tour, he says what a wonderful time he had while you explain how you learned a lot about Hawk Hill. You admit to yourself that he was a way better host than your previous one, but you most definitely won’t be going on a second date with him.
The Hawk Mate
You have finally found your Hawk Mate! It has been years in the making and you think you have finally found “the one.” Richard picks you up in his conservative Toyota Rav4 dressed in a casual sweatshirt and an SJU baseball cap. He is a complete gentleman, asking if you have any specific restaurant you want to go to, even though he already has reservations at Not Your Average Joe’s in Ardmore.
You arrive at the restaurant and both look over the menu. Richard orders a classic burger, medium rare and you order a quesadilla, because who doesn’t love a quesadilla? With your mutual love for St. Joe’s, Philadelphia and the Hawk mascot, you have plenty to talk about throughout dinner without any dull moments. Richard reads your mind when he orders the chocolate cake for dessert for you both to split; it is like it was a match made in heaven!
When the check comes, Richard graciously pays the bill, insisting that he wouldn’t even think to have you pay. He takes you home and graciously kisses you goodnight on the cheek. Sounds like prince charming, right? Or should I say it sounds like the perfect Hawk Mate.
Richard may be Hawk Mate material, but we all know that our true Hawk Mates are our girlfriends who stick by us through all the bad dates.
